This thing  does not like  to die…. but… if the seed doesn’t go into the ground and do just that… die… then it will never live… nor bear any fruit…  Father really wants that… wants life to come out of that dead thing… the life of His Son… Father is not looking for a bunch of individuals running around trying to  help Him out…  He wants to simply enjoy having more and more sons… all of them  in His Son… where He can love on them ….  all of them… in the One….  “many sons in One Son”…

The death process starts with the struggle to  “stop doing”  whatever the thing is that is giving me my life… my identity… until my life is only in Him… nothing that gives me my identity, that makes me feel important… worth something… better than someone else   (anyone else)…  went on like that for over 30 years…. It blew me out of the water when He spoke those words so clearly back in 1999… “Philip… I never asked you to do anything for me… all I ever wanted was a relationship with you.”

It still took 10 more years of death experiences… area by area… before finally getting to my  writing identity...  I had already begun to see I was trying to explain everything I had seen to others …  so they could now  know and understand  what I now knew and understand… rationally… intellectually…  Of course… I kept getting longer and longer,  wordier and wordier.. going at it from 7 different angles… to make sure others would   “get it”….  sorry Philip… NOT!!!!

Of course, I was always adding my  “proof texts”  which grew to paragraphs of scripture  so people would see that what I was saying was biblical… of courses I did the same thing when quoting a respected author who  agreed with me….  Not just a sentence or two… a paragraph or two….  made me feel  pretty important  when someone agreed with me that had died 50 or 100 years ago…   🙂  

I kept seeing things… cutting back on the verbiage… started telling just my stories… without paragraphs of scripture and supportive writers…but I still had that  thing  in there that  Philip was on the cutting edge of what God was doing in the earth today... and obviously… He had called me to help all those other poor Christians out there who just did not  get it…

Then.. I finally  got it... told the Lord what I saw… asked Him for forgiveness… felt pretty miserable as I experienced that beast dying… then asked Him what I should do next…  He said very simply…  “stop writing, Philip… let it go…” …   never had a pain like that before…. nor since…